i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
