i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
