my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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