....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
