Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
