I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
