Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
