i already hear my dad disowning me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
