i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
