His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
they need to just BURY HIM!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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