I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
