Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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