What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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