Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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