The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
