Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
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I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
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Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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