Be still, my beating vagina.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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