You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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