I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
