I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
