32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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