forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
