I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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