I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
