I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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