I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
