you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
