I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
