If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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