Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
