I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize