My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
