Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
