I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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