I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Is it penis luge time yet?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
