your room smells of hookers.
And success
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
