I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
