I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
