I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just google imaged poop.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
