Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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