She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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