Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
