Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize