Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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