well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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