Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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