Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
