I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
