Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
