if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I stole a fireplace last night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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