she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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