When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
