then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
