My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
