i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
