so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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