I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
