Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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