ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
