I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
