Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
